Thursday, November 30, 2006
One can never try enough
Though trying causes pain
Anguishness and sadness it exudes
Many say its possible
I have tried, to no avail
Memories are fresh
The scent like the winter rain
A feeling of warmth like the sun
These I have missed
I have tried, to no avail
The world a closed and lonely place
Once likened to the cold palace of ancient
Of which the rejects are cast
the company of which I joined
One that I fear
I have tried, to no avail
-ciaoz-
fallen @ 1:31 AM
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Geez.... Finally posted out from Punggol. It has been an arduous journey since my return from UK. It aint just about relationships and working environment, but it is more of a personal development. I guess when I first was there and slowly progressed, I really enjoyed my moments there, thinking tt there were close friends and good working environment. Things have changed slowly (I guess it has been pretty obvious since I have been lamenting about it). I lost good friends, lost good bosses, amiable colleagues and my personality.
Was just on friday whilst taking over the duty, I did not carry my phone with me. I got a text from XO RESOLUTION, telling me to give him a call asap. Well, only to be informed that I have been posted onboard RESOLUTION and I be sailing with them. Well, in fact I knew that I was heading towards RESOLUTION in the afternoon, just that I did not expected it to be so fast. That was a pretty hard call as I was not prepared mentally yet.
Anyway, having been onboard RESO, things have been alright, less few personal problems which had been blown out of proportion due to some imbecile and childish people, who only cared about their own asses. I have got a cabin on my own now, well, not really the whole cabin to myself, but it being a 4-men cabin with ensuite bathroom - and me being the only Officer in there. Kinda nice, not having to trot bunks, though I miss a certain bunk whilst I was onboard PUNGGOL.
Last night was my first night sleeping over onboard, and as usual, I could not get to sleep without my usual bunk. It was pretty hard trying to fall asleep and I missed the last bunk so much. I did not get to sleep till like 3 plus and I kept waking up continously. Was woken up at 5, as we were sailing this morning. Hmmm.... Kinda different whilst keeping watch. Was not something that I was very comfortable with, but I guess, it takes time to get used to it, having being onboard PUNG for almost 8 months.
I miss PUNG crew and certain Officers very much, but this is a part and parcel of life... I just have to get used to it. Please pray for me especially that wadeva personal problems I am facing, I would get through it and fulfil wadeva dreams I have with the Navy. I ask my mum and Lord to watch over me as well, and bless me with abundant blessings and grace.
To the few close frens whom I do not consider acquaintance these days, thanks for everything, you have been my pillar of strength and you were there when I needed you. Guiding me through the good and bad and providing me with the blessings that I do not deserve. For another someone whom I regard as acquaintance, you were definitely my pillar of strength and the reason for many things that I do and practise. The lessons you provided me and the things you say, will always be embedded deep in me, and I would never forget the good times we had. I look forward to the day where we would be friends again.
-ciaoz-
fallen @ 7:20 PM
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Personality has been an issue of late. It seems to be the floating factor onboard with both rate and ranks. Personality affects both respect and relationships. For many, it definitely affects both. Such is going on at the moment. Lets first talk about me...
I believe when I first went onboard, many did not like me... I guess it was about the way I spoke, it was kinda too arrogant... Or maybe I would like to say, I have not been understood yet. Or maybe even, I might have changed myself unknowingly... however, one thing that I noe I cant change is the way I speak... At the moment, I enjoy myself onboard, so I can be myself... Making a joke outta everything, be it work or play... As it is, life onboard is pretty bad with sailings and personnel that we have to put up with. If I have to change my current state, I believe maybe life would not be as interesting for me. Yes, I do make fun of others at their expense, but I allow the same to happen to me as well. It aint just about the fun, if I do really change myself, I feel it is no longer me... This would make me feel weird and bad and I dun like it. I need to like myself at the moment before I can start to appreciate other things.
Well sometimes, people can be misunderstood because they come from a different background. They too can be misunderstood when they are caught in the middle of other people as well. Say for example, someone who come from a different platform, one that is of complete different culture, whilst arriving at a platform, he tries to incorporate his way of doing things. Well, I do not deny that this is wrong because, someone - someday has to test the system and maybe implement something more capable and useful. However, many onboard may not appreciate this and tend to protest against this only to argue head on with him. Well, I guess sometimes the best situation, is sit down and have a good talk. Sometimes, it may be difficult but someone has to make the move. If no one makes the move, everyone will just carry on sulking and maybe the working environment would change, making work a dreadful thing.
At the moment, I am dragging myself to work. Things have changed for the worse. I no longer enjoy my work as I used to. Having a good fren who used to be there for me, or having an officer who really cares for me. At the moment, I have someone who micro manages me, and this is ineffective. It makes things alot worse. I remember the first day I knew him, he mentioned that he wanna be a servant leader, but being a servant leader is a very strong word to use. It means many things and at the moment, he is far from being a servant leader. There are many things that I do not agree with being his way of thinking, his method of doing stuffs and so forth. Many an incident have proven this point where I am the one of concern. Though we have done personality tests, and I have been accessed to possess the same working personality as him, it is hard to believe that things are not done as perfectly as they should seem.
My other main concern with him is him caring for his officers. He appears to cover himself more den anything, instead of protecting us or assisting us in passing through bad patches in life. Instead, he covers himself and offers a grave for us to proceed into. Sigh... I hate this period of time. I pray for strength and determination to pull me through... Am very tired... So tired...
-ciaoz-
fallen @ 12:14 AM
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I noe I have disappeared for a bit... Life aint really good at the moment. Alot have been going on... Somethings which I thought have passed and am pretty fortunate and lucky returned due to the stupidity of some peepz... oh well.... Also been trying hard to get over some emotional issues... Pretty successful, but... there is always a but.. Very tired... Tired of so many things....
-out-
fallen @ 11:00 PM
