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Hmmm, I am happy but lost and confused. But is it just me? Seems like I am the one making the efforts. Maybe I should just stop completely... Maybe....

-out-

Hmmm, I am shocked! A gal tt I once had maybe some feelings for in the past, which nth happened much between us, just sent me an invitation that she is getting married. And now whilst chatting with her, she actually told me, that she used to really like me ALOT! Eh.... This is shocking news to me la! Cos I always tot she was joking.... Hmmmm, but den again... Now she has a fiance, she should be glad, just as I am glad for her, but..... I think she is damn young. Oh well..... Hmmmm.... Loads to p0nder about this evening....

What exactly is love? Love is one that makes me lost and confused. Makes me just happy and cry, to do ridiculous things and to even think further den I expected. As the saying goes, it is easier to be loved den to love. I never knew about ppl loving me. Maybe I have never really felt such a feeling. There have been people saying that they liked and loved me, but is it really how they felt? Or was it more of a puppy love kind of thing? I think I have never had anyone who loved me to the extend of doing things beyond themselves.

I for one, have loved a person so much, doing things that I probably should not be doing. Doing things that I never liked doing anymore, doing things tt I aint even expected to do, or even beneath my dignity and status of doing. Though they say love is unconditional, and need not be reciprocated, but to have love that is not reciprocated, is the most terrible feeling that one must have. "To love a person is seeing the person happy" is the most inappropriate phrase. Why is it that they are happy and I am the one who suffers? Yea, seeing them happy at tt moment makes me smile, makes my world spin with dizziness and love. However, when I start to be alone, I think continuously about the person, and feel extremely uneasy. To even try to forget the relationship, makes things worse, as it only confirms my feelings. To confirm that I really LOVE the person, and not like! This is such a pain.

Why was love invented in the first place? Hmmmm..... God, maybe you would want to call me to your service? Mum, gimme an inspiration!

-dazed-

I have been such a jerk. Sigh... I feel damn apologetic la! But sometimes, its like a damage done, its hard to be sorry for it. :( Oh well.... Anyway, I would be a Liaison Officer for HMS WESTMINSTER. Yay! I miss the Royal Navy! Hopefully it is my batch boy onboard, or at least juniors that I can recognise.



-apologetic-

Well, shangri la was ok, besides being constantly on the phone. That made me look really bad. Here are the polaroids which i scanned:


194 AOs


Erm, the one who sang this years national day theme song


194 Bachelors

Well, that sums up the entire National Day Appreciation Ceremony. Which we started drinking. Hmmm, I could have been drinking too fast cos the effects came knocking on my door real fast. Felt really shitty. Esp when I am damn upset. Drinking helps to remove probs. So more drinks tonight. Yeaps.

Anyway, I just bought Christina's new album today. Finally managed to find some time to get it during lunch. Hmmm... Here goes.



-ciaoz-

Grrr.... I spent like half of today helping a really really "close" fren with his blog design for his assignment. Duno if its worth helping so much. Which many a times, such questions popped in my head, "Is it a good thing having made your acquaintance?", "Are you just taking advantage of me just because I had a background in design? If you did not noe me, u still gotta do your assignments on your own."

This was a fren that was really close that the relationship meant something to me. Someone that I would care for, and be there for ups and downs. However, somehow, was it my sensitivity or I duno wad. Somehow, it does not seem reciprocated? It seems like I am just doing all these when it aint required. Pretty much like what others would say "You are such a bother". Oh well.... Such is life eh? Friends are important, but one too would get tired of always putting in the effort.

From being really close in the past, where we could just talk and chat; to one that I cant really talk to now. What has become of this? Somehow, probably as others would again comment, "Its just another passing phase" Maybe its true, its wad ppl would categorize as a "Hi and Bye Friend". Is this how this would be? I duno. Only you would know.

Anyway, today evening rehearsal at shangri la was a complete waste of time. Grrr.... Nothing was done, and my part in the whole event would not even require my presence. Yikes.

-ciaoz-

Here are the pics for CDF NDP Appreciation. Lazy to type. Still very affected emotionally.


At Shangri La Singapore


Gavin and Me


Kok Yiling and Me


Jave and Me


Sihao and Me

-crying-

Sigh, can another day get any worse? Seems like recently my life has been in the downs. I want it to be in the ups, not downs! :( Duty was bad! Nothing untoward happened, however, I left my home keys onboard, meaning I had no key to get into the house, luckily, my younger sis was around! Only to be pissed at me for waking her up! Geez....

Had a short nap woke up for driving lessons, only upon leaving home did I find out that I did not carry my wallet with me! Arghz.......... Sigh.... Can everything get worse? And I nearly got into an accident. The uncle kept speaking mandarin to me and kept nagging continuously! This is horrible la! :@ And I was not able to concentrate only to step on the pedal instead of the brake! Luckily instructors have a brake on their side, else I confirm would have collided and probably would not be here typing out this entry liaoz!

Emotionally still hurting. Trying hard to control my phone usage. I think I should try not communicate so much any more. But, much as I try, I cant seem to be able to do it! :( Another long day of rehearsals tmr, try to do a photo entry instead. Dun wanna type so much.

-bleeding profusely-

A little laughter to add on further to my life.

Well... today, I felt extremely confused. What is it exactly that you want? Stop blowing hot and cold at me, I cant take it anymore. The depression is setting in, looking at the amount I eat. I hate eating so much, its like I cant eat anymore, but still indulge in eating! The more depressed I am, the more I would eat. Gosh... Somebody save me... ;'''(

-bleeding-

Well, its a day of sailing. No more ranging, which came pretty much as a shock to me, cos it means that I had to do pilotage in an unfamiliar place. However, was pretty sure I did not too badly cos I was not scolded! Muahahaha. Today's sailing was pretty bad i think. I felt pretty sick, well aint sea sick, but more on like feeling very bloated and had the constipated feel. My tummy hurt so much! ;(

It was pretty much another emotional day. Feeling pretty emotional day as the day passes. My mind is in a whirl. Very tired of always putting up a front. But, sometimes, it makes others happier when there are people joking. However, must remember not to take the joke too far. There are people who cant take jokes as well. Grrr....

Sometimes it has got me thinking as well, "is there really a difference between ranks and rates?" A thought that has crept into my mind unwittingly today as I was feeling really bored through the sailing. Till now, no right answers. Many unanswered questions that has lingered throughout my mind. Probably it would have been better off when I was in UK or maybe posted to another platform of ships.

Many a times, though I have requested to leave the ship, it seems my request has been turned down continuously. Yupz, though I understand that it is my honour to stay onboard as I have a good working environment, the sailings aint eratic such as many sudden activation and stuff, but I really do feel tired putting up a front. So hard to always play the joker when I am completely unhappy and emotional. Yea, one must be able to put work and personal probs aside, but if this carries on, I would need to return back for psychiatric treatment soonz again. I need a life! I need a partner!

-bleeding-

The last 2 days have been spent drinking thoughout. Its kinda bad! On friday, went out with the guys to drink and got pretty pissed... Erm, could remember complaining asking why some of the guys were not around, and finally going over to Boon Tong Kee to eat! Haha! But the bad news was I lost a wad of cash! Geeez... That was a huge loss for the night! Not only having to buy drinks, but also losing cash! :(

Last night was just as terrible. Met up with a friend whom I have quarreled when I returned from UK. Well, was quite in a terrible state as well, but kinda sobered up slowly. Could remember everything that happened, like someone throwing up all over my new pair of jeans, and finally after seeing him home, during a road block near my place, this cop insisted that something was wrong with me, since my frens alighted me like 3 blocks away from my home. So the cop insisted on following me home! Yikes....

Anyway, after tt, was like chatting online, but apparently, i dun remember much of the conversation that went on. Pretty weird! Sigh, I am feeling more emotional these days, I been trying to forget things and get a move on, however, I seem to be unable to do that. If i could do it in the past, I do not understand why I cant do it this time! I am feeling terrible about it, I dun deny! So painful that I cry, esp when I am drinking. The phrase "drown one's sorrow" is not applicable at all. The more I think about the person, the more I would drink. Sigh... Damn miserable, and probably the person does not even noe, leaving me to suffer all alone! :( sigh...

-bleedingly out-

Promotion to LTA. Hmmm... Is this good or bad news? Well, I dunno. Anyway, this goes all the Officers who try to use Rank to exert pressure on me! Well, simply den, they can use seniority to pressurize me, however, it would not be easy! :P

Alright, today was a day that was running about being busy and all. Another shitty day! Oh well... Life goes on...

-ciaoz-

Its Singapore's National Day! Hmmm, what does this means to me? Nothing I guess. Well, some history about Singapore becoming independent, but seriously, it means nothing to me. Well, Lee Kuan Yew was like the prime minister and den later wah, the whole country seems to rely on him solely. Well, I guess this is ok to write since it aint defamatory. But why should the whole world be so grateful to him? Well, in my point of view, it is time to move on. Yes the reign of his family is still running, but I think it really is time for the whole family to move on. Allow the younger generation to do things our way. The world has changed, so why cant his thinking change. Oh well, such is the way of life.

A huge battle fought yesterday with another platform of ships. I cant believe that Officers these days really wanna use their rank and appointment to support their claims. This is so unethical. Grrr.... Forget it, better not continue. Am pretty tired after yesterday sudden activation and duty. Wanna go to bed, maybe I shall write some stuffs. I wanna watch a movie so much! :( I wanna watch Click and The Fast and the Furious!!!!!!!!!! I just wanna pamper myself....

-ciaoz-

Yawnz.... Another long day has just passed. Family time is always good, probably not the whole family but having my brother and sister in law moving out, has made me realise I actually missed em. Even without talking, just being around is nice. Something to hold me back here in Singapore. Anyway, been pretty emotional of late. Relationships tiring me out! Its hard to be loved as well thats what i realised. Well, it is just as hard to love and care for someone else. Sometimes, it is not about it being reciprocated, but about knowing i guess. This was a song I had in my ipod without even me realising it! Its so nice, by Lemar! "Another day" is the title. Makes me feel like crying! Here is how it goes, kinda describe the way I feel as well....

Is it really over?
Between us two,
Then why don't you love me?
The way that I still love you,
So many mistakes made,
In so little time,
Girl I'm so regretful,
I must have been out of my mind.

I don't wanna live another day
Without you by my side
I don't wanna run anymore
Running out of places to hide
Ever since you went away
Slowly I've seen
That I shoulda got Down on my knees
And begged you to stay with me

And what I'm feeling for you,
Never could I try to hide,
The fact that I adore you,
Always seems to come outside,
You were my heartbeat,
The reason I breathe,
Please baby forgive me,
While I'm down on my knees

I don't wanna live another day
Without you by my side
I don't wanna run anymore
Running out of places to hide
Ever since you went away
Slowly I've seen
That I shoulda got Down on my knees
And begged you to stay with me

I shoulda got down on my knees
And begged you to stay with me
I don't wanna see
I don't wanna throw
I can't see the night
You're my heart and soul

Anyway, I got so many things I wanna do! I need to complete my driving lessons, which i probably dun have too much of a motivation as well, and not just that, with the rate I am partying and cancelling my lessons, haha, i think i dun hafta complete it before I leave for studies. I wanna learn how to golf and learn how to dive. Sianz.... I have a birthday wish list, but, i dun think am in the right frame of mind to write em out! Anyway, I guess this year it would be a quiet one. I kinda aint in the right frame of mind to have a party i guess. Last year, was spent opening bottles of champagne, bought by the RN guys, kinda nice, but now being back here, i guess it would be quiet! So.....

-ciaoz-

More updates. Finally managed to tell someone how i really felt about the injustice I am suffering onboard. Well, i aint tt sorta who likes to keep things, so i guess that makes me feel better. It was Alec's Bdae yesterday and Jeremy's today. Things are good. Probably not tt good financially however, I guess, in the navy it is always about drinking? Haha, drinking is so bad! I am putting on weight. Which I cant lose em by running cos i sprained my leg like 2 weeks ago, and it is still swollen. Actually I do not noe if it is a sprain or wad, but I dun wanna go for xray and stuffs. Such things scare me!

Today's family day at Discovery Centre was a waste of time. Puiz.... So boring... Was damn tired already, but still must go! Sianz. Anyway, I told someone this thought I had, but I have not had an answer and there was no answer from this person as well, "I do not know if it is a good thing having made your acquaintance" Well, am still pondering still.... I guess, its time for bed! Yawnz...

-ciaoz-

Its been a long day! Well, getting to know some others better, I realise, after audy leaves, I would be very very bored onboard. Plus, now i am expected to respect others. Well, if that is the case, and we behave according to rank, I must say, I completely despise such people. An officer gain his respect via his actions and not rank! Its fucking annoying. I hate it when people wears more gold bar den me and wanna me respect em when they cant fucking do anything.

Well, in that case, I will pay all due compliments to him as required and would only do my fair share of job scope. Anything else, i would not bother! Grrr.... I am so pissed off. Imagine being completely tired after a whole long day, the whole morning he aint doing anything but asking everyone else to do it, and he just comes up to you and ask you show him some respect! Damn it! Argh.... I am so fucking annoyed that I just cant stop talking about it!

So tired! :( Other den that, everything else is just long and draggy. A lil space for some happy thoughts though! Oh well...

-ciaoz-